|Sample 1 (Chapter 14)||:||Daft cooking and slapstick routine|
(Enter Cook and Simple Simon)
|COOK||:||(To Simple Simon) Now come along. I want you to help me with some cooking|
|SIMPLE SIMON||:||I love cooking. What are you going to make?|
|COOK||:||I need to bake a cake.|
|SIMPLE SIMON||:||Can I help you? I love making cakes|
|COOK||:||You can go and get me some ingredients.|
(Simple Simon exits and comes back with a little open box)
|SIMPLE SIMON||:||Here you are. Look at them, eating away like there's no tomorrow. Are these greedy enough for you?|
|COOK||:||What are you talking about? What are they?|
|SIMPLE SIMON||:||Well you asked for some greedy ants|
|COOK||:||(Clipping Simple Simon around the ears) I said Ingredients, not greedy ants! Go and get me a little flour|
(SIMPLE SIMON exits and comes back with a flower)
|SIMPLE SIMON||:||Here you are. This is for you. A little flower|
|COOK||:||Not that sort of flower. Though a girl likes to receive flowers|
(Cook takes the flower and puts it in a vase)
|COOK||:||Now I need some currants, but I forgot to get some from the market. I think we'll have to leave the cake till later.|
|SIMPLE SIMON||:||I know where there are some currants. I'll get them for you|
(Exits and then returns with some currents in his hand)
Here they are! Lovely currants!
(He tips them into the bowl)
|COOK||:||You're a good lad really. I didn't think we had any.|
(She puts some in her mouth)
I love currants. Where did you find them?
|SIMPLE SIMON||:||There's a pile of them on the floor in the back of the rabbit hutch.|
|COOK||:||(Spitting out the currants). You horrible little person!|
Look. You can help me knead the dough.
(Pulls out a roll of dough)
|SIMPLE SIMON||:||Do you need the dough?|
|COOK||:||Of course I need the dough.|
You don't think I'm doing all this for nothing?
|SIMPLE SIMON||:||I don't mean need the dough. |
(rubs his fingers together) I mean knead the dough.
(They both pick up opposite ends of the dough and they go into a slapstick routine as the dough stretches and then breaks off. His hand hits Cook in the face. Cook ends up with a ball of dough in her mouth and Simple Simon tries to remove the dough from Cook's mouth, etc.)
|COOK||:||Will you stop messing about? Knead the dough into the pan|
|SIMPLE SIMON||:||Knead the dough?|
|COOK||:||Don't start that again|
(Simple Simon lays the dough into the pan)
|COOK||:||Now get me some water, will you?|
|Sample 2 (Chapter 19)||:||Dame tries to seduce the Comic|
This is a two-person flirting routine in which a lady (Dame or widow) is looking for a new husband. It works best if the man is a person in charge such as a chamberlain at the palace or the local squire.
(Comic and Dame enter from different sides of the stage)
|COMIC||:||Ha! Just the lady I want to see!|
|DAME||:||If it's about the starch I put in your underpants, I'm sorry. That was a mistake.|
|COMIC||:||No, it's not about my underpants, but that's the last time I let you do my laundry|
|DAME||:||I only volunteered because I think you need looking after.|
A bachelor's life is no life for a man of substance.
What you need is a good wife to help you.
Do you know, I've been thinking that we should get married?
|COMIC||:||Don't be silly! Who'd have us at our time of life?|
|DAME||:||Well there is a certain lady here in the palace who wouldn't mind doing your laundry on a regular basis.|
|COMIC||:||I've not got time for such courtly dalliances. |
I'm a very busy man.
|DAME||:||Here, if I asked you for a kiss what would you say?|
|COMIC||:||Nothing - it's impossible to speak and laugh at the same time|
|DAME||:||Go on. It's been a long time since a man whispered something soft and gooey in my ear.|
|COMIC||:||OK then. Rice pudding! |
(Dame gives him a huge hug and a long kiss)
|COMIC||:||Here! Have you got no scruples? |
|DAME||:||It's OK I've been vaccinated! |
Do you like my perfume? Its Coco channel
|COMIC||:||(Wiping her neck and licking his finger)|
I don't know about the cocoa - It tastes more like gravy browning.
|DAME||:||Come on! You're just the type of man I'm looking for.|
|COMIC||:||What type is that?|
|DAME||:||Well you're breathing for a start!|
I've had my moments you know. Only yesterday a man told me I was beautiful.
|COMIC||:||Was that because you were kind to his guide dog?|
|DAME||:||Don't you think I'm beautiful?|
|COMIC||:||Well .... you're not what I would call beautiful exactly.|
|DAME||:||What would you call me?|
|COMIC||:||Well .... beautiful is not the word that comes to mind.|
|COMIC||:||Err ... not pretty. No, in fact to be truthful you're quite ugly.|
|DAME||:||That's rich coming from a drunken reprobate like you.|
|COMIC||:||Yes, I may be a drunk but in the morning I'll be sober!|